Fights Well
with Others:

Some days, it feels like parenting is just about moving from one conflict to the next. How can we raise compassionate and thoughtful children when sometimes all we want to do is throw our hands up, yell and slam the door?

by Patty Freedman

The task of parenting – like technology, work, education and travel – has been subject to enormous evolution in the past few generations – and, from what we’ve seen in terms of anxiety and stress in 2020, we’re facing more upheaval today. What we learned from our parents may not be the best way to raise our kids. But what else are we to do? How can emotional intelligence be applied to bringing up our children?

I won’t try to address which one of these skills is the most important. Instead, I’m interested in applying EQ to make the everyday heavy lifting of parenting just a little easier and more successful.

At its roots, Collaborative Parenting requires a discursive approach to those moments where the needs of the parent, and the ever-changing wishes of the child, need to be brought together in a form of compromise. But wait—here’s the first big challenge: some children don’t have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to engage in thoughtful discussion of this kind. I know we’re not talking about negotiating a major peace treaty or a climate change agreement but these agreements are complex and do require care. Imagine how urgent these discussions feel to kids — like how much screen-time tonight, a second scoop of ice cream, or what might be a reasonable Halloween costume for middle school dance.

Let’s take as our starting point the idea that being able to negotiate with our children will result in a smoother transition from the binary anger of “NO!” to the more nuanced middle-ground of “Oh, ok.”

To get to this point requires an important skills set – linguistic aptitude, a little empathy, and a willingness to find a solution to the impasse. In short, a baby isn’t going to participate in this discussion, but a three-year old just might. And once the youngster realizes that, “NO!” achieves nothing but a roadblock (and a frazzled and frustrated parent) they’re more likely to try to find a compromise. I find that instead of “No,” an “Ok, how about we try this” works better. These are ambitious notions, and they won’t work in all circumstances, but they’re terrific starting point.

“Try this” has a partner concept: “This person who loves me is a lot happier now that I’ve climbed down from my original position.”  What a wonderful moment of bonding and empathy this is! The child sees that compromise brings good results for you both, the classic win-win; the child receives an amount of screen-time which is (after all) perfectly adequate, as well as the satisfaction that comes from pleasing and assisting their parents. At the same time, the parent demonstrates a number of really critical strategies for solving interpersonal problems, and shows that they’re prepared to meet the child half way, in an environment of love, compassion, and tolerance for their viewpoints. This is trust. This is how we build it one moment at a time.

And, may I emphasize that this “connecting and compromising” pattern must be established before the teenage years.

We cannot overstate the power of this negotiation, nor its potential for creating future communication pathways for more elaborate and nuanced compromises (such as where the teenager might apply to college, whether they should wear that dress to the Junior Prom, or whether going hardcore vegan immediately is fair to everyone else in the house). If we have trust in our relationships, layers and layers of it built up over time, it makes the high stakes decisions much LESS risky because there is a history of solid, reliable, trust to count on. Kids think back to the times they’ve counted on you and you’ve been there to support them. Parents think back to the times they’ve expected kids to follow through on agreements and have evidence that kids will make good decisions.

I stand firm by if we cannot give reasons for the rules—then there is no justification for the rule. As a parent, I understand just how maddening things can get, and like everyone else, I’ve been tempted to yell, to shake my finger, to impose my views or even my strength on the frustrating little creature. However, I’d argue that not to do so – to be calm and tolerant in the face of bawling, inchoate illogic – is to set the best possible example.

Instead of dictating the course of events, we can provide alternatives. Instead of laying down the law, we can negotiate a compromise. Rather than dominating, we can seek our child’s opinion and show them that their views do matter. This is where the role of parent blends into that of coach, a mentor, an aunt or uncle, a counselor and/or advisor. Perhaps most tellingly, I regard these discussions as the creation of partnership–one of incalculable value on the long road to adulthood.

First lets get serious about your understanding of being a partner with the other person. If you really want a parenting partner, someone to share the full W (the highs and lows) of parenting, then you have to value your partner. This means understanding and embracing that the other person’s opinion and style has worth. It may be different from yours, but it’s still an acceptable alternative to your style.

Finding common ground and reaching for a compromise is not impossible. I believe a creative compromise arises when the result gives more to each of the individuals involved that they may have been expecting in the first place. The making and re-making of agreements is a way of showing love and respect to one another. It is the heavy lifting of relationships.

For me, the bottom line will always be that when parents having a willingness to love and support a confused, frustrated, little-medium-sized-or-taller-than-me person, and to guide them to the harmonious safety of the middle ground we are in good shape. In a world riddled with the divisions brought by binary thinking, I can think of no better preparation for adult life, than to practice collaborative parenting – thereby modeling for our kids to learn active peacemaking and solutions thinking.

Be kind to yourself!  Trying anything new, especially something we care deeply about can be hard. Give yourself the same love and encouragement you would give your children. Practicing Collaborative Parenting will not solve problems overnight, but it will give you new strategies and help you fight well with others so they may fight well with you.