What can we do?

The surprising answer:

Be compassionate… not just to others, but starting with yourself.

There’s a growing body of research

showing that Self-compassion (an essential to wellbeing) unlocks us from our tail chasing.  

Research shows that most of us don’t laugh much when by ourselves.

Given that many people live alone, or work from home (generally in silence), this might be something worth addressing.  Happily, the Internet has become a ceaseless source of amusement, from cat videos (go on, treat yourself) to late night TV shows (depending on your tastes, and how much political satire you can handle at the moment).  It’s perhaps worth counting how many times you laughed in a day, and the origin of the feeling; was it something you read, something on the radio, or just one of those funny thoughts that arises out of nowhere?  Track this a little, and

try to put yourself in more situations where laughter is likely.

I begin the day with a list of “Things to Do,”

but my list is written compassionately.  Years ago, I decided that noting down everything which was awaiting my attention just left me feeling swamped and impotent.  Instead, I choose a smaller number of carefully prioritized tasks, estimate how much time they will take, and then figure out how to tackle them creatively.

This eliminates much anxiety and stress.  Instead of slaving away at the computer, trying to write a lecture or a paper, I might wander around my garden for a few moments, letting the ideas flow.  I might call a friend for some pointers, or read similar papers by others, but I always try new ways of conceptualizing the ideas and noting them down.  I’m no artist, but mind maps are an excellent way of doing this.  One technique I find useful

is to jumble together disparate ideas and see how I might cluster them to generate something original.

I found myself strapped into a rollercoaster at an amusement park.

This isn’t my usual thing at all, but my niece wanted to go, and so there we were, ready for the clanking ascent to a dizzying height, and then the inevitable spins and twists.  While waiting in line, I thought about my niece, how she’d be scared but excited, and how I’d like for this to be a memorable experience for her. So, as the vehicle started to move, I shouted out over the noise, “Remember to pay attention!”

For many of us, the happiest moments of life threaten to slip past almost unnoticed.  Weddings are stressful, as well as joyful.  Births are ten times so, in both respects.  Giving a concert or a lecture can feel like a tightrope walk where our only focus on getting to the end without making a mistake.  Throwing a party should be a chance to connect and enjoy our friends, but we’re distracted by whether the artichoke dip has enough salt, or whether there’s enough parking for everyone.

“Paying attention to now” has limitless applications, but I’d recommend special events as a good place to start practicing paying attention.  What is everyone wearing?  What facial expressions are they making?  How do they seem to feel? I value my friends and family enormously, and I actually think in advance what to ask them about – college, kids, moving house, travels – because I know I’ll forget once there are a dozen people in my house.

Or traveling? How many times have you seen a busload of people arrive at a monument, get out, take pictures, and then get back on the bus?  I mean, it seems like the natural thing to do, but I have a different view: just stand there and breathe it in—pay attention now.  Mark this experience as different from the others; give it a luminous, attentive quality which will imprint the place on your mind.  Take in every aspect of the rock formation, the painted ceiling, the ballet performance, the child’s recital—pay attention now. Breathe in the uniqueness of it, whatever it might be, and resolve to focus purely on what’s in front of you .  In those moments, there can be no worries about the past or future, because there is no cerebral real estate available to them;

instead, our whole beings reside in that given moment.