Four years ago, I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t even put my socks on.
Yesterday, I went for a run — without someone chasing me… I actually chose it.
In these years, I’ve been experimenting with our Change MAP, applying it to myself, and there’s a lot I’d like to share about the experience. The good news is, it works. The bad news is, it’s still hard… and change isn’t “done.” It’s an ongoing, continuous engagement of the new.
Of the many paradoxes of change, one that’s enchanting me is the effect of impossibility. We often think of planning for change in “baby steps,” and while that’s useful, there’s a very different emotional experience in going from, “absolutely no *)@# way” to “can.”
Many years ago, my friend Cath Corrie told me a lovely “trick”: When someone says, “I can’t,” you encourage them to add “yet.” Try just saying “I can’t” and “I can’t yet” — the emotional experience is dramatically different. The first is a wall. The second, a door.
So, when I couldn’t put my socks on, I decided, “I can’t, yet.” Then, pretty soon, I could. Awkwardly, painfully… but all by myself, I got one damn sock on! Then I had to work on the second. What I noticed is that when I did my physical therapy, when I pushed just hard enough, when I was both patient and unrelenting, I got better. As I got better, I also felt more powerful.
Inch by inch, I could stand on one leg. Then bend. Then sit on the floor and stand. Then walk. Then do knee bends. Then hop. Then jump.
Each step was literally impossible for me… and then when it became possible, I realized that I was stronger than I ever realized before. Physically stronger, definitely. Today I’m far from an ideal physique, but I’m stronger than I’ve been since I was a teenager. Perhaps equally importantly, though, I’m emotionally stronger. I still have mornings when I wake up thinking and feelings “I can’t.” Today was one. Then, I remember that I have done the impossible — many times — and I add the “yet,” and I’m free to take another step.
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Small, subtle, and penetrating, Josh has ingenious ways to convey BIG messages!
Thanks Josh for adding ‘yet’ to my list of motivators.
Thank you Taquir — let’s keep sparking new synapses!
Sure Josh, Truth and Genuineness have an invisible force: I fully share your Noble Goal.
I’m going through the process of learning a new personal language, the language of positive thinking and a ‘can do’ attitude. Thanks to your sharing of this wonderful personality altering experience in the above well-written article I have extended my daily vocabulary.
Thanks Roberto – I suspect it’s about language, and what’s beneath the words. The intersection of the conceptual meaning from the word, and the emotional context we create. When we get those aligned in the right direction, voila!
Excellent story in how to apply this emotional intelligence process around the feeling of impossibility towards life goals. It is enhanced my feelings of self efficacy just reading it.
Thank you so much…Just an addition of word changes the emotional state of that thought.
Thanks Josh for this beautiful gift I have forwarded it on to many friends… This is how I choose to live my life too even though sometimes it the words come to me in a whisper and I am so very tired. Yet I always rally and hear their message otherwise I feel I am truly wasting the gift my life is. Do you guys ever come to Australia to do workshops….. Please come to Tasmania, you’d love it a spectacular small island with lots of unspoilt areas …….. Thanks X
Hi Nik – thank you! I’d love to come to AU again soon, and Tasmania sounds like a fabulous place for an EQ program! If you’re in position to organize something (“yes” or “not yet”) then I’m always ready to adventure to a new place for EQ allies!
oh Josh I would love to organise a visit for you but can’t see a way to do it at the moment. I live on a small farm in North West Tassie and that pretty much consumes my time. My brain started thinking of a million possibilities when I recieved your response – my quaker meeting group, Stephen’s workplace, early childhood networks I belong to from my past work, the university in Launceston. So I will let all this percolate (wrong spelling) away, you never know when the universe will open a new door with your name on it. Please let me know if you find yourself heading to Oz. You and your work are now in my prayers. Nik
Thank you Nik – let’s keep dreaming and invite more people to dream together, and who knows! 🙂
Josh, You are an inspiration! Your blog brings to mind the immortal words of Yoda: “Do or do not; there is no try.”
Thank you Josh for this insight. The seduction of impossibility is the wind which forces us to turn back when we face our dreams, when we feel we should take a step beyond to change a situation or … the world, and we are absolutely sure of our helplessness. That “yet” is the voice we listen to when we decide that it worths, that is important to us, and we turn back again to go on, believing. Is this intrinsic motivation? pursuing noble goal? exercising optimism? I guess all of this.
Hi Ilaria – sometimes I see “impossible” and I feel a loss of motivation, “there is no point, it can’t work anyway.” But other times, the impossible mountain is exciting! As you said, it’s probably a combination of many competencies. When I Exercise Optimism, I see that there are additional options. Then, if I Engaged Intrinsic Motivation, I can move toward the obstacle. If I can align the steps toward my Noble Goal, then I will have the sticking power to keep moving.
I took the liberty of playing with this post and see where adding “yet” changes the conversation. Here is my favorite.
The good news is, it works. The bad news is, it’s still hard… and change isn’t “done.”
Now with “yet”
The good news is, it works. The bad news is, it’s still hard… and “change isn’t done, yet.”
Giving temporariness to our thoughts can make such a Huge difference in how we feel about
Future,, more hopeful..more optimistic !! Remembered PPP-TIE of optimism.Thanks Josh for truly
Inspiring story ‘Yet’ again !!
Josh, this is a great idea to get motivated. And, definitely it works.
Tremendous post. It shows how one little change of thought, speech and attitude can become, with a little discipline, a behavioral change and empowering mindset.
Your post, so well written and a gift.
I plan to share it.
a memorable piece of applied positive psychology in real time. thanks Josh – may i borrow your ‘yet’ to add to my toolbox. i would also like to know where to access the change MAP
Wow! It’s a great piece of Intrinsic Motivation. Me and Vijay still remember you as doing push-ups in the Singapore conference and also my In-laws at small town Deola they remember too!!. After that, both said “we can’t, yet.”, and till today we can Yet. and now Running? may be.. we can’t yet.:) thanks for sharing. 🙂
Great story, Thank you Josh.
Amazing how one tine almost insignificant word can make such a profound impact on the emotional intent of a common phrase.
I get the “I can’t” from my children and hear it every where. It’s one that is so hard to avoid, I tried finding other word combinations but none were as easy off the tongue as “I can’t” .
Reading your story I see I only need to add a word and it imparts the emotion I was looking for.
Thank you.
Hi Josh, What an encouraging thought for overcoming the “impossibility syndrome!” You have shown the power of a small word, “yet.” I will remember to add it to “I can’t.” Thanks for your very practical advice.
This is exactly how I recovered from the accident that ended my life as I had known it.
Thank you, Josh. I also resonated with your post. I’m very glad about your recovery.
My mom recently slipped on the ice and fractured a vertebrae. She could have been injured much worse than she was- but she is now in a body brace and can not bend, reach, lift, or twist. Right now she is unable to attend to most of her daily living activities. I keep reminding her that every little step is a step in the right direction. Hey, “baby” steps are REALLY important steps! Without them, we would not develop into adulthood! I’ll start using the word “yet” around her when I visit with her this weekend. I think it will contribute to a sense of possibility and hope.
Working with coaching clients during the past 5 years has changed me for the better. It has put me in the wonderful position of seeing clients make changes they never imagined were possible. Of course imaging the possibilities is the first step, and we take it one baby step at a time… But I don’t have to pretend anymore that my clients goals (especially emotional goals) are possible even before I actually believe they are. Now I believe in their goals right from the start- because I have witnessed beautiful transformation so many times before.
Peace!
Hello Josh
My name is Rick Herranz , i just read your article on the SEDUCTION OF IMPOSSIBILITY and it was really good for me. I also IDENTIFIED with your struggles and you desire to PRESS THRU these emtional challenges. I have a friends who always tell me Rick without challenge there is no achievement. I suppose this is also true for me in my emtional maturity and becomming more emtionally literate. Thanks for your honesty and your willinness to be real and authentic. Its a good example for alot of us who want to become emotionally well.
Rick Herranz Central Florida U.S.A.
Change is definitely a deliberate effort towards where you are and where you want to be.The dilemma is that very few people in this world have the ability to identify this concept. Most of us lead our lives on a motivation gained through measurement of WINNING within ourselves on very diversified variables ranging from dieting ,sports ,work / academic accomplishments , monetary comparisons, conversational warfare etc.The bottomline is that winning or improving is a matter of one’s own benchmark in life.
However, those who experience an impossible in their lives and are still able to sail through successfully or make it possible with their deliberate and consistent efforts are definitely the ones we should idealize and rolemodel.
Thank you so much for sharing the precious gift of your story. It’s truly inspiring and i’m determined to not only implement it in my life but also pass it on. Again, thank you!
I like the the idea of “continues engagement of the new.” This is a year of transformation for me, so in a way, I’m still working on putting my socks on mentally. Yes, i can’t yet, but will. Thank you for sharing.
This story really captured my attention. I totally agree with the author. Students need to understand and develop this mindset.