As social creatures — pack animals — we’re highly attuned to power and the dynamics of power in groups. Emotions of trust/distrust, acceptance/rejection, belonging/isolation are all connected to power.
Power-related feelings signal us about basic survival needs — who is a threat, who is an ally, who we can count on, and who is in the way. Â The use of power is central to our interactions as leaders, coaches, parents, and change agents. Â To be more effective, emotional intelligence will help us understand and tune up our own use of power and the ways people react to that.
Many Forms of Power
In “Western” societies we tend to think of power and force as synonyms, but actually we all have and exercise many forms of power. We can have huge strength even if we don’t have the power of force or money.
… Vaclav Havel wrote about “the power of the powerless,” which has overturned many governments since then. Recently visible in Tahrir Square, there is a deep well of power in the acknowledgement and acceptance of powerlessness — of being willing to let go of conventional “status” to belong to a group. A power of sacrifice.
… A client recently told me about a price negotiation, and the way his “opposite number” in the deal keeps using the tactic of delay and feigned confusion. A power of sluggishness.
… I heard a radio story today about accusations of torture by the Nigerian government to suppress environmental activists. A power of brutality.
… Our daughter doesn’t like it when Patty pushes her to get her work done, she gets sulky and stomps her feet… it’s exercising a particular form of power historically popular with adolescents: a power of petulance.
There are dozens, maybe hundreds, of different forms of power. All of these “work” in some sense. If they generate certain desired there are “benefits.” At the same time, each produces unwanted side effects, called “costs.” What are some of the forms of power that you have, and that you exercise? What happens when you exercise these different forms of power? What price do you pay for each such use?
The emotional intelligence competency we call “Apply Consequential Thinking” (ACT) is at work as you answer these questions. As you consider the mix of powers available to you, doing the ACT evaluation lets you assess and choose the right tool for the situation. Are you using power efficiently, or do you need a more “green energy strategy” in your use of personal power?
Emotional Power
One reason is “Josh’s basic rule of emotional intelligence” – which you’ve probably seen on other articles on staging.6seconds.org:
When people feel pushed, they resist.
This “push feeling” is not necessarily reasonable or based on fact. It may be completely “their own thing,” and not based on reality. But if the feeling is present, the feeling is more real than the reality. The “resist” can take a number of forms, it’s not necessarily a clear fighting back, for example, “resist” could mean undermining, withdrawing, rallying others, defending, attacking-to-defend, foot-dragging… whatever form it takes, it means the person is not on board and giving you their full energy and commitment.
I’d like to explore three examples:
- I was advising a board president about a decision. She had sufficient votes to completely nullify an issue raised by a group of Directors. She was feeling anxious about the dissent and was tempted to use the vote. I asked her what would happen to the relationships as a result? How would that action affect the sense of trust and belonging she’d worked hard to establish? It could be that the exercise of force would re-affirm the feeling of safety and reliance on the leadership… or, it could be that this force would knock out any emerging sense of rowing together. If the top priority is alignment, then it’s critical to use a form of power that will reinforce that.
- A colleague and I were talking about a decision with one of his team members. I encouraged him to involve others in the dialogue; his first reaction was some irritation that this would undermine his power. I encouraged him to see that he actually has all the positional power — involving others is an opportunity to build relational power. I asked, “If you exercise the positional power without involving others, how will they feel?” If the goal is buy-in, then positional power could easily upset that.
- Several years ago, Patty and I were making a decision to take the kids out of their current school. Again, we had all the positional power — but instead of exercising it, we used the opportunity to involve the kids in a discussion. As a result, we all increased clarity about what was important, and in the end, we had consensus on the decision. For the last several years, each January we’ve a family meeting about the following year, and so far, we’ve maintained consensus. As a result, when the going gets rough, it’s relatively easy for us to re-engage the kids, reminding them that homeschool was as a shared decision. Here the goal is shared commitment — so again a mutual power is invaluable.
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Danger Ahead
It can be difficult to see some of the costs and benefits of various exercises of power — to be really effective in this analysis you also need to be attuned to your own and others’ feelings. It’s also powerful to consider the way you are supporting others’ use of power. Does your use of power reduce others’ by overwhelming or undermining? Or is your power support a healthy sharing which can reinforce and magnify one another’s success?
At work, especially with leaders who have many forms of power from position and role, it’s all too easy to become overly reliant on “raw” power, such as the implied threat, “If you don’t do what I want, it will hurt your career.” Dr. Robert Cooper, one of our wonderful Advisory Board members, sometimes asks leaders: If you didn’t have your job title and big office, would any one still follow you? In other words, if you did not have the power conferred by position, status and financial control, would you still have power?
For myself, when I use positional power or force, it’s usually because I’m impatient or afraid. “Raw” power seems more efficient, and when I’m stressed and overloaded, exerting force gives me a perception, probably an illusion, that I am in control and can make things happen. It’s also a way of claiming status. When I’m feeling anxious and unsure if I really do have power, I’m much more likely to attempt to exert force. In other words, when I am reacting to short term pressures and a feeling of urgency, I’m most likely to pull out the hammer.
I notice this quite literally when I’m trying to fix something around the house. I start very carefully, gently trying to align the parts or remove the little screws. Then I pinch my finger, or I’m running out of time, or I’m doubting myself, and I just whack the thing. Sometimes that works. Sometimes there the costs are high.
The Bottom Line
The point here is not to advocate for a certain form of power as better or more powerful. Certainly emotional intelligence will help strengthen relational power and increase influence. And sometimes EQ will help us see it’s time for force: there are moments where a strong “no” or an incontrovertible “yes” create more gain than does a nuanced discussion. But most importantly, when we use our emotional intelligence, we can see that every exercise of power has affects beyond what’s immediately visible. As you’re wielding the sword or the pen, take a pause to Apply Consequential Thinking — consider the results you really want, and use the power that will most smoothly and efficiently move the situation forward.
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I do agree that when people feel pushed, resist symptom do occur, where quiet and withdrawn are the most common. When our life is full of rules and regulations, commands and orders, we are not happy. With all the so called ‘authority’ power in use, it is the biggest obstacles to success for every party, as everyone is trapped in a toxic state.
Thanks for sharing Lenny – it’s quite a challenge to have rules and order without having life become ABOUT rules… it seems some people (and governments) are in love with the power that comes from making and enforcing rules, and maybe forgetting the real purpose.
really a great article i fell the power of emotions every day and especially when hard decisions has to be taken
what is needed form leaders is also to understand the power influence and emotions
As a parent of young children, I’m often reflecting on what I thought my parents did well (or not so well). One of the concepts that is always at the top of my list is that my parents consistently “gave us a voice”, even at a very young age. Using this voice taught us many things including how to effectively express our feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Reading your article has helped me further see their gift of putting power (some at least) in our hands in a world that often takes away power from our young ones.
As an educator, ACT is so very useful… should I reprimand a noisy class? Nope, I will firstly think of the consequences if I choose to do. Then consider the various options I have before I decide what to do. Interestingly I also teach these students how to incorporate Consequential Thinking in their own lives… lo & behold, the noise level came down!
Patrick, isn’t amazing how when we Choose Ourselves we set up conditions for others to do the same?
Hi Joshua: perfect article & perfect timing for me. Just reading Inside Change & getting great value from the book including the dynamic EAR model. Great stuff as I am about to embark on some change management coaching in an industrial setting which has long held cultures & not much in the way of processes….
Cheers
Ross
PS Did you see my email observations about EQ & Metallica (the heavy metal band) last week? Be interested in your thoughts.
Hi Ross!
In other industrial settings where I’ve worked, there is a strong reliance of coercive power and very little recognition that the “how” impacts performance. So I might start by helping them see that the “how” is important. For example, you could make a continuum describing management style from:
<-- Toxic - - - - - - - - - - Engaging -->
Ask them to put some post-its with examples of what managers do on the left… middle… right…
Then ask questions about this to tease out the implications of this:
-> If you have a manager working in this more toxic way, but he meets his numbers, how do you evaluate him?
-> If you have a manager on the “toxic end” and another on the “Engaging end” and they make the same numbers this month, are they equally valuable to the organization?
-> If you have some good employees and they’re under the “toxic manager” — what’s the effect over time? And how does that “toxic manager” affect the other managers?
I didn’t get a chance to look @ the Metallica example yet – but will! Thanks for sending it over.
🙂
– J
Great post. I think “power” has really gotten a bad wrap so it’s nice to see a thoughtful view since we normally just have a bad reaction to the word. Power is what moves us forward – it’s important. But it needs to be used wisely. Advocating without aggression. It’s so true that when we are pushed, we resist. Using Aikido principles along with the 6Seconds wisdom with my clients really gives them a physical way to explore this. It’s so fascinating to find out that if you resist less and go with the flow of your attacker, you can protect yourself so much more easily and still get what you want! Thanks for writing this Josh.
Thanks Bob – it’s “leadership Aikido” – let’s not waste energy on oppositional uses of power, rather, redirect so we gain energy. The problem is, it’s so hard to remember that in the middle of a power struggle! I guess that’s why Aikido is a practice… and EQ leadership needs to be as well.
Dear Josh,
very interesting article as usual.
I am a teacher and I sometimes (often?) struggle with the kind of power I want to use. When I become too controlling, use athoritative and position power, I feel the class does what I asked for but there is a horrible atmosphere. My relationship with students suffers and it becomes more and more difficult to get what I need from them.
On the other hand when I become too friendly, too kind, too flexible – they start putting my requests at the bottom of their priority list. It can be difficult striking the right balance.
A recent link you sent – acting out of the ‘why’ gave me a good key of answering this. I find that making students responsible of their own learning by taking them on board with my ‘why’ works best. But at times they just need a black and white boundary with no room for discussion!
Silvia, I well remember this “dance” with students – and it’s extra-complex when you have 32+ young people who have very different responses and needs. So it’s not just 1 balance you need to find! Thanks for the point about the “why.” When we’re in a power struggle it’s so easy to get very short-term in perspective… reconnecting with a “bigger why” can pull us out of the need to “win.”
In today’s times Power has a negative connotation. Someone sent me an SMS on the same…A Quote by Charlie Chaplin….”You need power only when you want to do some harm,otherwise love is enough to get everything done.” Then…Is not love the greatest of the power?
All of us feel that power (surface power) some of the times and many use it for their own selfish interests..It would be a beautiful world only if we could exert a power “positive” for the universe for we are just tiny specks in the most powerful and vast “Brahamand”….”The Authentic Power “so to spk…
Hi Suniti – I agree with you. In my personal experience, love has been far more powerful in my life than fear and force. I suspect power has such as negative connotation because it’s abused so widely in the public sphere. Every day we see political leaders and heads of large enterprises using power “over” others… so maybe that leaves us with this sense that power itself is the problem?
Joshua,
Love the article!! It reminds me of some of the information I read in Gary Zukav’s book “The Seat of the Soul.” Among many interesting ideas, Gary mentions the differences between external power–which is the usual: position, money, and class–versus authentic power. Now authentic power has its roots in the deepest source of our being. Authentic power cannot be bought, inherited, and hoarded. An authentically empowered person is one who is so strong, so empowered, that the idea of using raw force as a way of life is not part of his or her consciousness. Anyway, your article has a variation of this theme. Thank you.
Thanks Joan – I love the term “authentic power” and the way it evokes the deep well of power that we can all find in ourselves… and when we do, the “surface power” becomes so much less important.
Right on… good one, Josh! Power is such a huge issue, everywhere! I agree that sharing power actually gives us more power… a very cool EQ concept.
I especially liked your ‘shared commitment’ meetings with your family every year… great idea! I knew a couple who renewed their vows for one year, every year, and they have Chosen to stay together for 15 years now, one year at a time.
Thanks Matt – that kind of conscious commitment is powerful power!