Life is full of these moments of transition, of uncertainty and discovery. People coming and going, growing up, moving away, coming back… waves on the sand, life seems to be continuously in flux, and you just can’t hold it still.
Yesterday I delivered Emma to her first sleep-away summer camp; she’ll be there for three weeks. Today my brother flies off to start his cardiology fellowship at Duke for several years, and Patty is driving Max to his first camp as well. Not momentous events on a global scale — but for us, a Big Deal, and tomorrow feels lonely.
Yesterday Emma was overflowing with this amazing blend of completely excited and terrified. As we got closer to the camp she was gripping my arm so tightly I thought I’d have bruises. Interlochen is like Hogwarts for artsy kids, and as we drove into the camp past all the theatres and stages, she was trembling in excitement. Once she met the other almost-all-first-time girls in her cabin, and her very sweet counselors, the terror dropped away and I was quickly not-so-needed.
I feel this incredible pride and honor in witnessing her strides, and a loss. It reminded me of when I was a teacher, the first time my students were graduating and I just couldn’t stop tears flowing — one of the other teachers said, “You should be happy, this is what we’ve been working toward…” and I was happy, but happy and sad are not so far apart as all that.
Seeing all these kids so excited, so passionate, so scared, so vital, I was also filled with a larger nostalgia. So much LIFE all around, so much potential, so much discovery — new friends, the bliss of full immersion into weeks of learning. Walking through camp, the air was textured with dozens of different musics from the rehearsal cabins, and everywhere were children in their new uniforms looking like plants about to burst into flower. And I wasn’t going to be part of this adventure.
I am deeply happy for Emma to be part of this, and so proud that she’s such an accomplished and awake person, and I know that I am part of the adventure through her. Nonetheless I had this sense of loss. Or maybe more accurately, of questioning. All these feelings stirring around, perhaps I could boil them down to this: Am I living my life, or simply passing through it?
I suspect the emotional turmoil of all of life’s transitions center on questions like this. We have feelings to signal us, a big feeling means, “Pay Attention! Something important is happening…” So walking along the shores of Lake Michigan after dinner, I found myself considering the last decade, and a few before that. And the next ones.
In almost every way, it’s hard for me to imagine a better life than what I’m living now. Yet I feel this strange paradox of the near-perfection of the moment, mixed with a sense of insecurity — of joy somehow slipping away into the past as I hesitantly step into an unknown future. Can it possibly be better, or is it downhill from here? I’m not sure how to reconcile this. How do I stay in love with the present, knowing it’s already gone?
It’s not so much a question of these three weeks. Yes, today was long. But tomorrow is back to a full schedule, and I know these days will fly by for us, and even faster for the kids. So I think my feeling is more about the changing orbit of the stars of our family constellation. Around a decade ago, I used that metaphor to describe how the children had transformed my life, not by doing anything, but simply by exerting an almost gravitational force of change. Now, with a momentarily empty nest, I’m seeing how temporary these years are. It’s not just “they’ll go to college;” it’s more immediate. They won’t be 10 & 12 much longer. In a minute they’ll both be teenagers. The pace seems to be accelerating and the trajectory seems less clear.
It reminds me of this TV ad that I adore — an amazing reminder of the fragility and grace of love. Take a look:
For me, the “seat belt” they’re advocating isn’t simply literal. There are many safety belts we can fashion in ourselves and between one another. Some are attractive illusions of safety, but others are enduring. They’re not certain, and they don’t stop the accidents, but they shelter what’s most important.
In relationships, some of those safety belts are honest expressions of love, the risk to share, and being present with one another. Perhaps choosing to embrace life, despite the fleeting race of time, is one of the most powerful. I suppose saying goodbye to your baby girl at her first camp — with both a smile and a tear — is another.
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Josh, what i like most about your writings is, “how simple, yet powerful your words are.’ They conjure up bright, vivid pictures in my minds eye! Reading “Enid Blyton,” books as a child (and now with my beautiful daughter), has the same effect :O) Keep Writing !
Thank you Sanjoli! That helps me keep going.
Hi Josh,
Yes it seems that on that particular day or night all around the glob a lot of parents were doing the same.. Letting go of their precious ones.
I posted a piece on my blog where I expressed MY moment when I had to let go of my teenager..
I called it “A bitter Taste in my Raspberry Pie”
I, too, was learning a lesson..
http://solafabatterjee.blogspot.com/
A couple of words popped in to my head.. Values,,, the past,, the future,, fear.. motivation..
Thx for sharing..
Thanks for sharing Solafa – I guess it’s part of us growing up… with them.
🙂
Josh,
I thought your piece on Emma and camp was beautiful – so very well written as well as so insightful. It was just outstanding. I remember years, and years, and years ago, when I was at a particularly happy stage in my youth, asking my mom, Eileen Buckland, “how can you help missing the stage?”
Her reply stays with me today . . . . she basically said you don’t miss the past when you’ve lived each stage fully – you may remember it fondly, but if you live fully you won’t miss it in a paralyzing way.
I continue to live by that standard and have found it incredibly valuable. And it seems to me you very much live each stage of your life very fully.
– MJ
Josh, terrific article; thank you for sharing.
MJ, I so much agree with living every stage of your life fully; if you do, you will never have regrets and will embrace life every step of the way.
I never really lived the first three stages of my life the way they were intended which created some difficulty for me later on. But now, I enjoy every moment of my life whether good or not so good.
Thanks Maria!
Josh,
Thank you for offering this moment of reflection. It took me back to my tears of joy, love and yes, sadness, as my own kids went off to camp years ago. There have been many more such moments, mixed with a myriad of other emotions, as they stretched, tested, and have now grown into wonderful, loving adults. More tears flowed at the birth of my first grandchild 3 months ago, and now I’ve been given this incredible emotional journey again!
Thanks for being so open and sharing!
That’s so reassuring Jennifer! Thank you – I think it’s such an important reminder that when we feel, we are alive. This mix of emotions is a signal of our connectedness, and as you say, they flow together into something greater.
Josh,
I loved the article. It was written so beautifully and in a language that I really interested in reading. I have few questions regarding EI. How can I get the answers to those? Please guide.
Thank you Saima – I appreciate it!
For your questions, if they’re “public” then maybe you could ask in our Facebook group? http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_5696270841
Otherwise, we have wonderful coaches available if you’d like to speak with someone privately. Click the Contact link on bottom of this page.
Warmly,
– Josh
Dear Josh,
I did not find any link on the bottom of this page.
I am the first person in Pakistan who carried out research on EI. I am resource person for many organizations on EI. I have some private thing to share so I need to talk or would like to send it to someone. If I you can reply at my e-mail please.
Great people do great things – Words which convey every emotion so clearly that anyone can feel them & relate to them as we must have been gone through such feelings sometime or the other..
Nice article & loved the way you describe mixed emotions of being sad and kinda happy too at the same time!!
wonderful
.. God Bless you & your loved ones!!
Thank you Usha, I appreciate the appreciation and the good wishes. 🙂
wonderful expression of deep feelings , thank you Josh for once again reminding the finer aspects of life..
Josh – received a comment from Roselyn asking: In your email version of this piece, you said, “Dropping Emma off at her first sleep away camp let me to reflect on these moments of change, and what they can tell me about living my life more fully” — what do you mean by that?
I was thinking about how emotions and these kinds of experiences can teach me to “embrace life” — and at the very same time these feelings might tell me to “push away life.”
For example, right now I’m home alone in a quiet house and I have some feelings of loneliness and loss. I could take those feelings as a message that I am too vulnerable. In order to be safe, I “should” close myself off from the risk of love. Of course, when I use my EQ as well, I can see that would be following a pattern: “When I feel vulnerable, I withdraw” — and would actually create the opposite of what I really want.
So, I’m thinking that in these moments I’m given a chance to consider what’s really important to me, what do I want? How do I truly embrace life — and as Ellen said above, take off the armor?
Josh,
In a parenting book I read (“yes, your teenager is crazy” or something like that), it talks about going through the stages of grieving when your kids hit teenagehood. You grieve the loss of the baby you had come to know and love and will soon be gone as they become teens. Now that my “baby” graduated High School and is about to go off to college (do i hear empty nest!), I occasionally see brief glimpses of that baby and the innocence and laughter that comes with it. But then the teen armor comes back and we rejoin the present. Those glimpses let me know that she’s still in there – that little girl and I realize that my own “baby” is still inside of me as well. Perhaps part of the secret of living life is allowing our own child to come out and play every now and then.
Enjoy the empty nest!
Ellen
Oh Ellen, why is it so hard to let down the armor?
Maybe figuring that out is what it really means to grow up.
So many firsts in a long line of things no one tells you (or maybe they did and you weren’t listening) when it comes to the emotions of parenting! Emma & Max are blessed to have such wonderful parents to guide, love, and show them the beauty & value emotions have in enriching their life experience! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Dawn – when they were babies, I remember people saying, “oh, treasure this time, it goes so quickly.” At the time, up to elbows in diapers and milk and sleeplessness, the days felt endless and the advice was not so useful. Even then I knew they were right, but it still wasn’t “true” where I was. I guess some things only become meaningful from a new perspective?
Thanks for commenting.
Josh, your ability to let the light shine through inspires,moves and comforts all of us who are privileged to have a connection with you.
Thank you!
That’s lovely Roy – and helps me want to persevere!
Hi! The small light has been shown by parents when children were small. Children become so aware that they easily recongize right path for them, and have long walk from the path to get enlighted in their life. The small light which has been shown by parents initially, turns into bright light.
Great to know about Emma’s and Max’s camps; May they enlighten many lamps in their lives as their parents did for them.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Arati – I like your point that we have the opportunity to teach our children to embrace life… just as we teach them to wear seatbelts… and as we do this maybe each generation can become better and better at this balance of living fully — and letting go.
Josh,
Loved your article. You have expressed your emotions so delicately and powerfully.
The video on Embracing Life is fabulous. Found myself crying…..
Hi Dexter – me too – there’s something about the connection in the family that touches me deeply.
Touche.. 🙂
Able to relate to a lot of the sentiments and feelings expressed so beautifully above.
Thank you Viveck – I guess it’s a universal human process?