Finding Peace Amidst Holiday Stress – Tips for an “Emotionally Intelligent” Holiday
“Maybe we don’t have a choice between “the way it is” and “the way I dream it,” but in between there are countless options”
Paradoxically, holidays are extremely stressful. Given all the bad news we’re facing in the economy, this year may be especially challenging.
There are so many expectations, so much to accomplish, and so many feelings all rolled together. Holidays are rituals and we load them with symbolic meaning — even if we’re not “into it,” the culture makes so much noise about these days that we can hardly stop wondering how we’re measuring up to a fictional ideal. This will be doubly challenging for hundreds of thousands of families this year as so many of us are not sure how we’ll pay the mortgage next month.
While I personally love the holiday season, it’s still complicated. And this year especially bittersweet. As we have for almost 20 years, this year we’ll celebrate Christmas at my step-dad’s house — but this year he will be with us only in spirit. Just imagining being there without him I can hardly type with my eyes welling up. I just don’t know how I can make it everything we dream of for our kids while I’m so sad about losing Hank.
But as Max, my 7-year-old son says, “The best way we can remember Grandpa Hank is to do the things he loved.” So we’ll decorate the traditional 12-foot Christmas tree and sing some carols and we’ll cry together, and that sorrow will be a forge that strengthens our joy in being together. And next year it will be easier.
Recognizing that adversity is temporary is one of the key mental habits of optimism. In the midst of stress, I often feel like the pain is interminable. That reaction causes an increased level of reactivity and negativity. My dad won’t be back — and the sorrow will fade. If you’re out of a job, or laying people off, this is a brutally difficult period — and the economy will come back. If you’re alone amid the revelers you may feel lonely — and you will make new connections.
“light is returning, and each of us can kindle that spark”
This does not mean ignoring the pain or dismissing it; the pain is real and deserves to be honored so we learn. Feel the feelings of the present and know they’re temporary. This helps maintain perspective making it easier to find your footing on the path forward.
Another major challenge of holidays is the way we get “sucked in” to dysfunctional patterns. Maybe I’ve outgrown teasing my sister on most days, but when we all get together I find myself acting like a 13-year-old again — parts of which were great, but the powerlessness is painful. If you want to get out of these kinds of patterns, the first step is to recognize that you’re “going there” again.
Particularly in well-entrenched patterns, recognizing choice is a bear of a task. Begin by watching the process. Observe yourself as your stress increases, your patience wears thin, you “ramp-up” your reactivity, you explode. For many people, holidays are a perfect time for this exercise — you’ll get to see yourself go through this process a hundred times in a few weeks!
Don’t judge, don’t tell yourself you’re an idiot for doing it AGAIN, don’t fuss at yourself. Just observe the pattern. What’s happening? In what situations are you fighting? Fleeing? Freezing? What are your thoughts? Your feelings? Your actions? Use these challenges as a laboratory and be curious as you watch your patterns unfold.
Just this shift from self-judgment to self-discovery will make a huge difference in your experience. In self-discovery you can let go of frustration more quickly, listen to a bigger range of emotions, and have more peace.
People often add stress to their stress with three common mistakes:
- Try to change too much at once. It’s almost inevitable that if you try to fix everything at once you’ll be disappointed! Take it slow, focus on one change and get that right.
- Blame yourself. People often tell me “I shouldn’t feel this,” or “I should be past this.” Fine. But if you’re not, your not! People are quirky, irrational, and erratic… so when you are too, that’s part of being human.
- Give up choice. When “things” are tough we protect ourselves by saying, “I don’t have a choice.” That makes it easier to accept that the world isn’t the way you want it, but it also makes it harder to make it better! The fact is we all have THOUSANDS of choices. Maybe we don’t have a choice between “the way it is” and “the way I dream it,” but in between there are countless options:
- How much sleep do you give yourself the night before a busy day?
- How do you say “good morning” to your family?
- Are you adding kindness or meanness to the world?
- Do you plan ahead and write a nice card to your colleague or do you wait to the last minute then purchase an expensive trinket out of guilt?
- What do you tell yourself about this day?
I could go on an on; the point is that when you start to have that “victim feeling” to recognize: I may not be able to change everything, but I DO have choices!
Perhaps the most important lesson is to treat these wonderful challenging days as practice.
This holiday season is a practice round preparing for next year. This isn’t the Olympic finals, it isn’t the Superbowl. No matter how “perfect” you make it, no one is going to give you a Noble Prize for Gift Giving. By holding onto the knowledge that this is a practice round, perhaps you’ll give yourself permission to enjoy it just a little more.
There are several powerful, practical tips below — please experiment!
And most of all, please find a few moments to add peace to the world. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, we’re coming to the darkest nights of winter. But light is returning, and each of us can kindle that spark and warm one another in the glow. It won’t be perfect, it won’t all be blissful, but with a little practice I’m confident we can each find a way to let the blessings of this season into our hearts.
A guide to an “emotionally intelligent holiday” from members of Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network around the globe:
Take care of yourself. Take baths, sip tea in a quiet place, go for a long walk, touch or observe nature, don’t spend money obligatorily, play games, create art, meditate. Let people love you. Get rest. Drink lots of water and eat healthy foods. Turn off the news and put down the newspaper (the world, and all its troubles, will be here on January 2nd). Give yourself a conscious break – there will be more of you to go around.
– Robin Meredith, California
Make breakfast with your family for a week and enjoy it…with a selection of music.
– Waris Candra, Hong Kong
We are so busy running around that we often forget that the best gifts do not require money but a little time. For example: For people with young children, baking cookies together is always a good one. Take time to have a cup of coffee/tea/drink with a spouse or friend alone (no stress and no preparation). Call and say “I love you.”
– Susan Charles, California
One thing that I’ve found that is helping me ride the waves of holiday emotion is holding fast to one ritual that keeps me grounded during the rest of the year. My goal is to continue making time for this particular ritual (which happens to be an exercise regimen, but could be anything) no matter what. If that means I have to say no to some of the other things that come up, then that’s okay. I remind myself that my ritual is what keeps me grounded and when I honor it, I have always have positive results.
– Julie Binter, Arizona
Because of my active temperament, I had to make a point of carving out quiet time each day. I began a family nightly ritual where we gather together to light candles, tell inspiring stories and share from our day, and sing songs before settling into sleep. Now that my children are older, I give each of them a disposable camera and every day ask them to take one photo of something good/inspiring that they see every day leading up to the New Year. When the excitement of the holidays has passed, we create a very simple photo book as a way of completing the season. I also spend a few minutes every night gently massaging my boys to sleep. These simple practices provide a bit of refuge and a sense of stability from the over-stimulation inherent to the season. Given all the changes in diet, sleep and routines, my children thrive whenever I can provide predictability and connection.
– Sally Clapper, California
Try out a new self-calming strategy every day! Some examples: Knead bread, Plant flowers, Organize a closet, Listen to music, Imagine an uncomfortable feeling floating away, Knit, Pound a drum, Build with legos, Take a bubble bath, Lie down outside, Watch a funny video — or Eat chocolate!
– Hanny Muchtar Darta, Jakarta
Begin every day in a state of peace.
How? Upon waking and before starting your routine, spend 5 min (or even better, 15 or 20 min…but 5 will do if you are rushed), in quiet mindful breathing. Focus on appreciation or gratitude — something or someone or some place that brings you an emotion of peaceful, happy, appreciation. Sit with this feeling for the moments you have available.
Then as you get into the rest of your day stay in, (or return to frequently) this “inner slowness,” even as you move quickly about your business — your inner state has a better chance of existing in a peaceful and mindful condition when you begin the day is this way. From this place we are more apt to make thoughtful and wise decisions, and to not as likely fall off centre when the chaos around us gets overwhelming.
– Cheryl Bakke Martin, Calgary
Having just lost a major portion of our income (temporarily) I am reminded that there is still much I (we) can do during the Holiday period (as well as through the year) that doesn’t cost money: Looking to help make someone else better.
This can be in the moment and only for a moment — with a smile or kind word; This can be with an “old fashioned” holding of the door for someone else; This can be with a more overt gesture of handing out bread loaves (or something) to the homeless or destitute, those on the many street corners and freeway off-ramps. There is so much that we / I can do that feeds our / my soul and it is all more than rewarding for all of us. I believe that it helps the positive “resonance” of our goodness in the human experience. As such, it is extremely therapeutic and lovely for us as well as the recipient.
– Marek Helstrom, California
Take a nap!
– Mary Lou Reker, DC
I’ve decided that if I’m unhappy that’s a temporary problem which can only be cured by taking some steps to get outside myself and do things that I love to do during the holidays — like going to hear the Hallelujah Chorus, going to see the Christmas Boat Parade, attending church on Christmas Eve and being grateful for all of the blessings in my life. So my tip for the Holidays is to make a list of all of your blessings and to do all of the things that bring you joy.
– Genie Lee, California
At an event, invite each person to share a funny story about one person in the group — followed by a heartfelt appreciation of how that person has touched the sharer’s life (or a wish for that person).
– Mark Sng, Singapore
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The best Holiday present I ever had and that I could share with others.
Thank you Josh
Catherine