It is Independence Day here; when I was younger, it was a day for blowing stuff up, for a little thrill, and also for the ephemeral beauty of fireworks. A little less young, now it is a day for barbecues, family, and thinking about what it means to belong to a nation.
We spent the weekend surrounded by family and friends. Emma’s first 4th of July in a year of firsts. Strangely both my mother and mother-in-law (Patty’s mom) are moving right now. So this weekend was also one of saying good-bye to old houses, which is sad because so many memories get tied up in those places– saying good-bye to the bricks and mortar is easy, but knowing I won’t again sit on the deck, or walk in the roses, or see our carpentry is hard.
So maybe that poignancy led me to thinking about our fathers. I have never met Patty’s, and while I have one present father, I have one who still has not seen Emma. I was wondering if they are her grandfathers, or more like the distant relatives that I know only from a fading photo.
I feel so certain now that I will always be part of Emma’s life. Today I was imagining her being 30 and not seeing her, not seeing her baby. I can not picture myself in this absent role –maybe because of my own experience, or maybe because of my own lack of experience, I can not see us severed.
So what about our fathers? Not just Patty’s and mine, but all of our absent fathers. Are they distant because of us, or because of themselves? Even more, I can’t understand their distance from Emma. Nothing in my life has felt closer to the divine than holding Emma as she sleeps. How can they bear to miss these moments?
My absent father is not a bad person, and I do not blame him or my mother for their divorce. These severed relationships, our absent fathers, are the product of a system that does not support us to build lifelong commitments.
In my own case, my guess is that we are all a lot healthier and happier for that divorce — but I do not understand the absence, the severance, the walls. I do not understand how our world can survive filled with these rifts.
As a middle school teacher, I remember with alarming regularity parent conferences beginning, “we are going through a difficult time….” In my advisory group, most (60%?) of my students experienced divorce between 6th and 8th grade. Nationally and internationally, the statistics are staggering. Same old news.
With a two month old, it is new again for me.
Thinking about Emma’s grandfathers and myself as a father, I am concerned that as a society we have become confused about independence. We have convinced ourselves, especially men, that independence means not needing anybody. This kind of independence is easy. There are no real consequences, we are safe behind our emotional fortresses, it is easy to cut the strings. Yet there is no freedom, there is no opportunity to come together as something larger than ourselves. Bogart walks into the fog, “Three tiny lives don’t amount to a hill of beans” or some such —it plays well on the screen, but leaves a superficial meaninglessness to our greatest aspirations.
We have a society filled with the rifts of severed relationships perpetuated by people bound and determined to need no one else. We have become a society of single parents, single children, single people who come together around the holiday barbecues to celebrate Independence Day.
But this year, around the barbecue, I got to see people who love my daughter simply because she is a beautiful baby, and part of our family, and because we need one another. Today I got to see that there are other options — that it can be Interdependence Day. This does not mean our absent fathers with suddenly reappear –but that we can change the system.
I hope this is a year of extending relationships, and that next year I will watch the fireworks and see the glimmering motes as the connections we have built.
– Josh
- Coaching Through the Emotional Recession: Three Practical Tips for Trauma-Informed Coaching - May 1, 2024
- Knowing Isn’t Coaching: Three Emotional Intelligence Tools for Professional Coaches - April 3, 2024
- Coaching Down the Escalator: 3 Emotional Intelligence Tips forCoaches to Reduce Volatility & De-escalate Conflict in a Polarized World - March 6, 2024
Hi Josh,
The article I sent you ran away with your story. I will now respond with the short version.
I enjoyed the piece very much. It emphasizes the importance of relationships, particularly the bond between parents and children – the First Bond, the birth of empathy. It is, or should be, the source of extending it to friendships, and expanding it to society. The flow should be safe and secure. Unfortunately, they are often broken for a variety of reasons. You, however, have responded differently than many. Rather than spew hate and venom, you are dedicating your life to help heal the fall-out for others. You are an inspiration. In spite of the difficulties you experienced that left you with scars, you have undertaken a massive goal to change the world for the better. You have transformed the negatives into positive actions to help others. It is recognized and much appreciated. Thanks!
Libby
Josh, thank you for the article. I read it for the first time and it stroke a chord. For most of my life I believed independence was «not needing anyone» I was taught this and it’s false. I need to depend on me so I can depend on others. My previous approach was I need to depend on me so not to depend on others. Ever. Eventually I realised there’s no others without me, if I don’t need others I don’t need me, so I’ll leave myself emotionally. It’s nothing personal it’s just real. I won’t be able to depend on me,naturally I won’t be able to depend on others. In this case I have independence not because I don’t need others but because I don’t have me and that’s abandonment of myself and others around and it has nothing to do with independence.Interdependence is the answer.
Thanks for sharing! Here’s to the possibility that a big WE could one day celebrate an international Interdependence Day! That would be awesome and something I’d be willing to help promote and celebrate.
Excellent Reminder-subtle and powerful!
A very moving article that reminds us of the ‘Interdependence’ that we badly need today. Rightly said, the ‘independence’ we aspire at the cost of severing relationships is a mirage…the sooner we know the better. As always, Josh’s writings have a universal appeal: I felt he is talking of my own experiences, indeed (I’m from Pakistan). I like the ending with a note of optimism: Being an exponent of EQ, I’m happy I’m a part of the noble goal and the optimism cherished by you. Thanks josh for igniting the fireworks and the barbecue with one more beautiful writing!
Yeah Josh-you are truly a magnificent gentleman! I always follow your wise counsel! I’m from South Africa and we as a family has truly experienced the dirt roads in life-all because of health issues! As you say-families need to cherish and invest time and effort-EQ!! Buy-out, purchase it forward Josh! Warm regards. Johann
How beautiful the words and expression of love. The words are just as relevant today as when they were written — in many ways even more so. What is so moving is the fact they are written by a father.
Josh, I was moved by this article. I have never been a father, but can relate as having been a son…Happy 4th 2015 and thanks!
Hi Josh
The connectedness of families is a very interesting thing for me. If it’s good, it becomes great, if it’s bad it even becomes worse. I had to understand the dynamics of my own family (mom and dad), and only then it helped me to sort of look into my own relationship and the way I would like to present life to our own siblings.
It took years to sort of turn it around, and yes there was a bit of magic in it before it really happens. I would call it grace in my own words…but the theory of emotional intelligence did helped me to get a grip on the process in my own life.
Not all human beings are lucky enough to stumble over something that helps them. The process that you support do make a difference though. Thumbs up for that! Supporting families are a privilege.
Hi Jan, what surprised me, years after this was written, is that when I was ready, it was actually easy to let go of the past. In my head it was a huge barrier, then after it seemed small… Now I’m thinking I still have another of these walls to cross and to stop seeing myself as someone abandoned.
Dear Josh
What a beautiful account of your experience it still seems to hold poignancy for you today 16 years later. Perhaps it was a key inspiration in your creative work in the field of EQ and why you have made such a big impact. It sounds like a lament for something huge missing in our culture. We adapt, we fill the gaps but there’s an emptiness, my own experience of absent fathers mirrors yours.
Neither have I ever understood how men sever their connections to their offspring – perhaps they don’t feel needed – perhaps they feel excluded from the mother-child bond, perhaps it feeds into a sense of impotency. Perhaps men’s emotional investment is more intense/absolute so if a relationship falters disconnection is the only option, all or nothing, move on, re-invest again ?
I love your idea for Interdependence.
Happy Interdependence Day!
And thank you for your inspiration
Hi Joshua,
Great article. thanks for gave me the opportunity to read it.
Have a nice 4th July.
Dear Josh
Ever since I came across your work, I have admired both, your aspiration and efforts, to pass on to the world, what is really meaningful…the meaning and value of emotions, not just personally, but professionally, a foundation for a better world. The impact of your efforts has been tremendous.
Reading your reflection from Singapore on independence day and myself being in Jordan, thousands of miles away from both the county of my origin and adopted homeland, you writing did bring to my attention, how the world has indeed changed, just in the past few decades. Change is growth, change can also be unsettling, interwoven both, with lingering nostalgia and exciting new possibilities..
My wish is that like an ancient oak tree, that has deep roots and sturdy trunk, that can withstand almost any challenge of nature, with its thousands of leaves, dancing freely in open sky, in fresh air and sunshine, we too, can draw from the deep roots of our heritage, family and past and grow a sturdy trunk through our self-efforts, responsibility and sensitivity, and experience a true joyful freedom, that is not anchored in isolation, but is connected to all. You are a very special person. Even though I have not met you in person, but it feels like that I have. World is a richer place because of people like you.
Home is where our heart it. On the wings of our love, our amazing human mind can connect us to any place, without any restriction of time and space. And that feels like independence to me.
I remember your writing in one of your books about eating Dim Sums with full attention. Happy 4th and enjoy the delicacies of Singapore. Best Regards Shanta
Dear Shanta, I’m in love with the image. Near my home we have magnificent Coastal Oaks and giant cypress, with enchantingly twisting branches – strong winds from the sea. In places like Point Lobos, you can see them holding the very firmament together against erosion. Deep roots.
🙂
It is excellent stories.
Thanks so much, Josh! I just forwarded your article to a young woman who knows the pain of severed relationships. Who knows?…We can only hope it will be a small point of healing leading to an Interdependence Day in the future. She was so loved, “simply because she [was] a beautiful baby, and part of [our] family, and because we [needed] one another.” To reconnecting and extending relationships!
Happy Independence Day to you. Noticed on tv 4th July,2015!
If I may, seeing clips of Presidential Campaign 2016, Clinton family-Hilary Clinton just seems to have the thing required today that would help bring back the fond memories which seems to have been lost somewhere in the world today. A more connected world a more just world.
Hello Josh,
Thank you so much for re-sharing this beautiful post. I too had an estranged father for ten years and hard to understand. I so appreciate the re-frame from Indepdence Day to Interpendence Day. Here’s to deeply remembering our interdependence. Safe travels and enjoy Singapore! – Colette
Josh, thank you for refreshing me through you story. My desire as a dad of a 28 year old son and a 24 year old daughter is to connect and not just be present. I would like to share my story, My wife was visiting India in June to spent time with relatives. She asked my daughter if she could join her and in response to her offer,my daughter became silent and all that we could hear was a silent sob and a cry. After she gathered herself, she said, mummy I do not have my grant ma and grand pa anymore, and I cannot go to our home back in India and not find them. It was moment of pause when reality dawned on me. With my imaginative reflection, I knew that some day she has to accept our absence. It was a moment of renewed awareness for me to be intentional to connect and be present while I can and build rich memories of fun and laughter which they can recall as life and legacy is shared and passed on from one generation to another.
Thank you Josh.
Hi Josh. you are right in saying that the “system does not support us to build lifelong commitments…” it is easier to walk away if there are difficult situations than work hard to find the best solution. But you should feel really proud of the work you are doing to change this system and build a caring society that has a lifelong commitment with the people around and with their noble goal. Thanks for sharing and guide us also find our lifelong commitments!!!!
Dear Joshua,
Very interesting insight in the social fabric of present day USA. I had not read the original article. I agree that it is more relevant today.
I come from amore conservative Indian Hindu society and here the the proportion of divorces is quite negligible – may be less than 5%. It is also noted that the proportion increases with increase in educational level and financial independence for women.
I was wondering about the difference – Is it because there more pressure from society in our community to continue a failing relationship? Or is it that the couple needs support from each other under difficult economic situation? Joshua and other members, I will be interested to know your perspective.
I do believe that the walls of independence are the basis for much strife in our society and tends to support a culture of “who needs you”. On the other hand Interdependence celebrates the fact that we all have unique skills and that no one does it alone. Recognising the need for others and their contributions alleviates the pressure of being perfect and recognising that when we take council from others.
Calling on there unique skill set and perspective we are more likely to succeed. Taking council and making decision by consensus are quite different
What a beautiful and poignant article. Thank you for sharing it. We have lost two good friends over the last few months, a reminder of how fleeting (and how very rewarding) our connections can be.