Getting Unstuck: The Power of Naming Emotions
When you’re anxious, angry or upset, do you wish you had a magic button to calm yourself down? Well, I have good news. Recent neuroscience reveals a remarkable attribute of our brains that isn’t exactly a magic calming button, but it’s pretty darn close.
by Michael Miller
What Makes Traffic Better?
It’s a little after 3 pm, and I am stopped cold in traffic. I look ahead and see red brake lights for miles. “Ugh, Highway 1,” I mumble to myself.
I was running late and feeling frustrated. I even caught myself thinking negative thoughts about other drivers who had to switch lanes in front of me, which is never a good sign about my emotional state.
Then I thought to myself, “It’s not his fault. You are frustrated because you are stuck in traffic.”
And oddly, I felt a lot better. I relaxed my shoulders, turned on the radio, and continued to sit in traffic – but with less tension. It seemed like the simple act of recognizing my frustration to myself really helped. This seemed absurd, because if you had asked, I would have told you that I knew exactly what I was feeling – frustrated! – and recognizing it would only make it worse. But in reality, I felt a lot better. As it turns out, there is a scientific basis to this phenomenon.
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Naming Emotions to Reduce Anxiety: “That Tarantula Is Terrifying!”
Consider this experiment from the University of California at Los Angeles. Dr. Michelle Craske tested out this hypothesis about labeling emotions with a group of participants with a fear of spiders. She started the experiment by having them approach a large, live tarantula in an open container outdoors (you read that correctly) – and told them to keep getting closer until they touched it, if they could get far. Then the participants were brought inside, put in front of another live tarantula in a container, and divided into four groups, based on the instructions they were given for how to think about the spider.
The first group was asked to describe the experience of being around the spider and label what they were feeling. For example, “I’m scared of that huge, hairy tarantula.” Now this is actually a radical way to respond. Normally the goal is to make people think differently about the spider so that it appears less threatening – and this is exactly what the second group was instructed to do. They would say, for example, “The spider is in a cage and can’t hurt me, so I don’t need to be afraid.” The third group was instructed to say something that was irrelevant to the spider, and the fourth group was simply exposed, not instructed to say anything at all.
One week later, all the participants were re-exposed to the live tarantula in the outdoor setting, and told to get as close as possible, and touch it with a finger if they could. Dr. Craske and her colleagues measured how close all the participants got to the spider, how distressed they were, and their physiological responses, specifically how much the participants’ hands sweated, which is a good measure of fear. So what did they find? The group that labeled their fear of the spider performed far better than the other groups. They got closer, were less emotionally aroused, and their hands were sweating significantly less. Like with my own labeling of my frustration in traffic, the recognizing and naming of emotions seemed to defang the fearful emotions.
How can this be? Naming emotions seems to bridge the gap between thoughts and feelings. The step from “I am this…” to “I am feeling this…”, or even, “Michael is feeling this…” means that we are not that emotion exclusively. And also reminds us that the emotion is temporary. When we remember that we are greater than what we are feeling in that moment, we can be at peace with the feeling, and simply listen to what that emotional data is trying to tell us. So next time you are feeling a difficult emotion, start by labeling it: I am angry, or sad, or anxious. Just tell it like it is.
Naming Emotions Opens the Door
Making our emotions less intense is great, but that isn’t really the end goal, is it? It simply cracks open the door, and calms down our emotional response so we can combine our thinking and feeling more effectively – and that is what practicing EQ is all about.
Take fear or stress for instance. When we are afraid or stressed, our brain can only respond based off of previously stored patterns of behavior. Evolutionary, this makes sense. Evaluating your options when you see a tiger guarantees that the only outcome is the tiger eating you. So when our brain perceives a threat, it only lets you respond off of previously stored patterns, which you can enact instantaneously. But that is rarely the best possible reaction, unless you really are reacting in a life or death situation.
The lowered intensity of our emotions after we name them allows us to take it a step further, and ask:
What choices do I have? This is the choose yourself part of the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, which we abbreviate as KCG – Know, Choose, Give.
And then ask yourself:
What do I really want? This is the give yourself part of the KCG model.
But just naming your emotions is a great way to start practicing EQ. Try it out next time you feel stuck, and share your story below!
More Emotional Intelligence Resources
Sometimes we don’t know exactly how we’re feeling, or we don’t have the words to describe it, which makes naming our emotions difficult. That’s why emotional literacy is the foundation of practicing emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to name and describe emotions, to be fluent in the language of emotions. Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions is a great tool for increasing emotional vocabulary – check out our interactive, online version:
https://staging.6seconds.org/2020/08/11/plutchik-wheel-emotions/
For more practical tips to practice emotional intelligence, like naming feelings, download our free Practicing EQ eBook:
- Pursue Noble Goals in the Six Seconds Model of EQ - July 29, 2023
- Increase Empathy in the Six Seconds Model of EQ - July 26, 2023
- Exercise Optimism - July 24, 2023
Its really interesting…..Naming emotions is an easy way to reduce Anxiety and calm the brain so that the best possible decision can be taken at that point of time.
By naming our fear and what we are feeling helps us cope with the issue confronting us. Instead of not naming our fear or feeling we can’t deal with our feeling in the best possible way and have good outcomes. I will certainly try naming my fear or feelings.
I have learnt that it is better to name your fear and frustration in order to easier come to terms with it instead of of not facing what you are actually feeling. That’s really a positive action to take when one experiences these feeling. Will certainly try it.
This is so true.
YES! Imagine a world where kids are raised with a strong vocabulary to name their feelings and needs and stating their experiences were welcomed! When I think of how my life as an adult would shift if I had been able to name my feelings of that big hairy spider as a youth, whew! I think we are getting closer and I have hope.
WOW!!!! Name the emotion! This is the difference that make a difference!!!!
YES, YoVanda! It’s simple and quite powerful!
Thanks for writing this. This is so true. I experience this with anger a lot. An example is when i meet with someone who wastes my time and I respectfully can’t disengage from that person. The moment I tell myself, “Sarah you are feeling angry”, I feel my body calming down. And there are times when I end up smiling.
Hi Sarah, thanks for sharing. I like that phrase “respectfully disengage” – I struggle with that myself. I’m glad to hear that labeling helps!
Excellent, Michael!
#NameIt2TameIt
#NameIt2ClaimIt
#NameIt2FrameIt
Very nice, practical and doable..
A trick that I have used over the years is to ask myself what I really feel about a situation, an event, or a set of circumstances. We are often so conditioned to react to external stimuli in a predetermined way that it is this expected reaction that we have as opposed to the way we would really react if unfettered by preconceived notions. Once you have determined what you genuinely feel, it is then often possible to deflect that reaction and turn a negative energy into a positive one. For example, if something makes you react angrily solely because that’s the way that we are conditioned to react to it, ask yourself why you should be angry. Letting go of that anger and replacing it with, for example, curiosity, amusement or any one of a number of more constructive reactions allows you to better cope with the situation at hand without metabolising the stress.
Hi Philip, thanks for sharing. That’s a powerful example of recognizing patterns. Sometimes we have established such a pattern of responding in a certain way that we keep doing it, even if there’s not a good reason for it or it’s not getting us closer to what we really want. is there a specific situation where you remember feeling a certain way and then deciding that you were only reacting that way out of habit? For me, as I mentioned in the article, this was sitting in traffic. Once again, thank you for sharing.
Which list of feelings do you recommend? The two I’m most familiar with are from Tom Drummond and the wikipedia:
https://tomdrummond.com/leading-and-caring-for-children/emotion-vocabulary/
and
https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions
Naming ones emotions is such a simple but liberating experience. It is like a stop street that can act like the 6 seconds pause. By naming how I am feeling in the moment ( this takes lots of practice) I can feel my self calm down immediately because it defuses my attention and focus on ‘ the problem’ in that moment. I now find myself at time talking out aloud naming the emotion. At times even laughing at myself that I allowed something so insignificant to run wild in my mind. A wonderful tool to practice.
Hi Michael,
Thanks for the article. What can you suggest for people who struggle to even name their emotions? I understand that starting with observing and describing physical sensations in the body can be a good start, but often the physical symptoms overlap with different feelings (e.g. heart beating faster could signal joy, anger, anxiety, love, etc.). Any thoughts?
Cath,
Have a list of feelings to refer to. A list that is grouped into types of feelings might be helpful. Try to pick the broad group of feelings first: sad/afraid/happy. Then zero in on the spedifics if you can: lonely, terrified, blissful.
True, exactly what the sensation is does not tell us what the feeling is. Naming the sensation might help too though. Talking through it to yourself might help: “My heart is beating really fast. It started right when ____. It reminds of a time that _______. I’m not sure if I’m feeling ___ or ____.
somethings not clear so Im asking :
can neuroscientists SEE physically that our brain lights up in a different way when the thinking & feeling hemispheres…are working in congruence?
Im interested in what Neuroscience has discovered to support this theory.
Apparently when we feel our flow state both sides of our brain are lit…
& it is when we are being or engaged in something….creative.
Thanks to Michael for this creative approach.
Due to rapid mood swing, I wonder how often could one successfully switch from frustration to labeling.
Also, if there’s any technique one could use to turn on the switch soon enough.
Susan, regarding your inquiry, you may want to read EQ by Daniel Goleman as there are many detailed scientific research with interpretation.
Having been more conscious lately about how I am feeling – and naming the feeling, there is truth in “name to tame” I have found it gives me perspective and allows me to measure my reaction/response rather than just acting out. The outcome has been more positive tan I could have imagined.
When I feel ___________ , I act ___________.A simple sentence which holds the key to “knowing yourself”.Merely knowing what I am feeling , acknowledging it, and telling myself its OK to feel so- helps in stressful situation.
i thankyou for this simple fill in the blanks…sentence.
concise & to the point . but of course…filling in those blanks aint always quick OR easy for this old gal. but Im feeling so much clearer & positive learning these EQ excercises…..
When I realize I m angry these days then I choose to walk out or not to talk to d person for some time. So, naming me is helping me to handle or control my own emotions and giving me d right direction to handle the situation. So,its rightly said, Name it to Tame it.
Naming without blaming is the Key to acceptance.
They say if you can ‘Name it then you can tame it’ and this couldn’t be truer anymore. If we have emotional awareness and ability to name and understand our feelings, we will be able to acknowledge and work with them far easily.
I really enjoyed your example of traffic and how you responded. Just the other day I found myself tightly gripping my steering wheel. I recognized what I was doing and said I’m clearly frustrated with this situation. And to my delight I started to relax and calm down. It’s not something I had done before discovering EQ and Six Seconds. I find myself so much more aware when I am feeling something and acknowledging what it is.
I am glad to hear it, Nicole! It really is so empowering- before, I wouldn’t have thought that I could change how I responded to traffic. I mean, it’s traffic! But we really can use these skills to relax and simply be in a better place. Keep up the good work, and if you find yourself using your EQ in other situations like that, I would love to hear about it!
It works with horses. When I’m working with individuals who are afraid of them or feeling any other kind of emotion, I suggest that they verbalize it to the horse. When they do, the horse generally shows a physical change in their behavior…a yawn, lowering the head, less tension in their body, etc.
Janis- how fascinating, thanks for sharing. I have not spent much time around horses, but from what I have heard they are extremely intelligent and perceptive.
I live on a farm up in Northern California. We have goats and the goats definitely get fidgety and kick a lot when someone unfamiliar, and probably nervous, is milking them. I may encourage them to verbalize it to the goats and see if the goats show any sign of change. Once again, thanks for sharing!
how interesting that youve noticed the horse responds & becomes less tense. I find journaling my self talk has really helped me…getting my angst out of my head onto paper somehow frees me & forces me to look at my chosen words more detached which gives me some breathing room. its interesting because it really works esp as I often have no one to talk to…. as I actually enjoy writing!
Prayer helps me deal with everyday life issues and the unexpected..thanks for sharing your great message.
Bless you❤
Exactly why I list Naming Feelings as one of the six skills I focus on. Moreover, it is not easily done.
Katherine would you share the the other five skills you focus on a daily basis.
I have concentrated on three, First, self observation, looking at myself and determine who am I being in that particular moment. Second, self-correcting, if who I was being is not my ideal self I will self-correct. Third, Self-generating, now being my ideal self I can generate powerful conversations, relationships, projects, communities.
What are the six skills?