How do we change out of a destructive pattern?
Emma (my daughter, now 9) frequently makes a big fuss when it’s time to do work that’s not appealing, especially “dumb writing homework” (despite usually liking writing and being an outstanding student). This has gone on for years, but a couple of weeks ago I noticed myself becoming very reactive. I was getting more and more irritated with her — and the irritation about homework seemed to be bleeding into our relationship-in-general.
I’d say hello in the morning and she’d grouch at me… say hello in the afternoon and she’d ignore me. Then the homework fuss would come up, and I found myself thinking in such a judgmental way, labeling her as “drama queen,” “irrational,” and a few I won’t put in print. As my frustration grew, I found myself thinking things like, “she can bloody well sit in her room ’till the work is done” (and thinking it with a kind of violent savagery ala “that will show her!”).
There are two aspects of this reaction that I’d like to explore with you:
First, when I felt disrespected and excluded, my patience for the “homework drama” plummeted. My hurt feelings translated to wanting to hurt back.
Second, as I was feeling impatient, I fell into a pattern of force (power and control) and dealing with superficial “facts” — despite my certain knowledge that this DOES NOT WORK.
In Six Seconds’ work on change, we teach that people behave the way they do for emotionally valid reasons, and that unless you change the underlying emotional dynamic, you don’t create change. This concept is explained well in Alan Deutschman’s book, Change or Die, which I constantly talk about (here’s an interview I did with him about this). Deutschman says the dominant, but failing, paradigm when trying to drive change is to use facts, force and fear.
As I get more and more frustrated, I begin to rely on power and control. I start using facts to back up how right I am, and force to reinforce my sense of power, and fear to accentuate my own power over her. In that FFF paradigm, we try to make people change. This doesn’t work, because people don’t want to be forced. When people feel pushed, they resist. The resistance causes them to protect, and they become less open to risk. Meanwhile as we push, we become more irritated and less open to understand what they’re feeling and what’s really blocking the change.
Nice mess — and I KNOW this, but knowledge is not enough. So here I am, getting frustrated with my daughter, and the more frustrated I get, the more I find myself shooting down this track, a track that I intellectually know leads only to more frustration. But nonetheless, I’m sucked in. It’s like I’m in a terrible daytime TV show where these messages are beamed into my brain. And the more irritated I get, the more I’m in this reactive, superficial, destructive mindset.
Once I started to reflect I could see this pattern — this track I was on. Which was great to recognize, but then what? Getting off requires a shift in thinking+feelings — a way to step out of the dynamic.
Fortunately, it came a day later at bedtime.
I was just kissing my daughter goodnight and she had a rare evening of not having a book in hand… so welcomed a sleepy snuggle. She’s so big now, and so fierce in her opinions. But laying next to her I had this vivid memory of 9 years ago when we were on our first long plane ride and told her about it.
So long as one of us was walking around holding her, Emma was content. But as soon as we sat down she fussed. I remember walking up and down the long 747 aisles in the dark, with glimpses of night as we walked past the rows of windows, pacing endlessly at 500 miles per hour with this sleepy warm angel.
I remember quietly singing the same little song over and over and over (“la mar estaba serena, serena estaba la mar…”). Probably as much for me as her; I can still feel the soothing rhythm of it.
I remember looking out the small galley window, watching the endless stretches of Nordic ice in the moonlight, and wondering at the infinite variety of that unknown alien landscape, so cold and distant.
At the time, I had no sense that this would become a precious memory… but now it’s so vivid… and tinged with the sepia tones of nostalgia. Amazing what become printed in our hearts.
And from that place of appreciation, the whole “homework drama frustration” simply evaporated. I remembered the precious (and willful) innocence inside this person. I “made her good” in my mind and heart and this let me step off the reactive track. This emotional connection is empathy, and it’s a doorway to a whole new way of seeing — and the antidote to the FFF paradigm.
In the week since that evening, we’ve had no conversation about changing the “homework drama,” but it just hasn’t come up. It’s like the circuit is (at least for the moment) diffused. While it’s likely to resurface, I’m now more keenly aware of the trap — and at least one way out.
♥
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Hi Josh,
This was a particularly important reminder that the FFF approach never seems to yield desirable results. I do recall one staff member I worked with who everyone described as “difficult” person. Some colleagues would even call her attention directly and engage in altercations with her. She never seemed comfortable with being supervised and would blurt out on a seemingly innocuous matter. When as the head of human resources section in the Regional office of the Ministry she receives important communication she would keep it to herself and wouldn’t share the information. Most of us then developed a “negative” attitude towards her and she became labelled in our minds. One time, I got information on a good training on leadership from the British Council and took to her. I assisted her to complete the application form and even took it upon myself to email the document and follow up for her. Since then, she would voluntarily bring to me any official communication she had received from the head office that concerned us. Retrospectively, I believe I could have done better in relating with her and may be encouraged others to develop a relationship to foster understanding with her if we had understood Alan Deutschman’s advice that FFF does not foster change, instead change begins with a relationship. As it is at home, so it is in the workplace. Thank you for that piece on Change or Die by Alan.
Hey Josh:
Beautifully done! Congrats.
This was a great example of what we call “Self-Processing”… getting to the bottom of our feelings, finding out what’s underneath ’em and what’s pushing you.
Best wishes for your continued cool relationship with your daughter. To me, that the #1 most important relationship in my entire life!
Keep feelin’ and healin’.
– Matt
Hi, Josh, I have similar feeling and emotional pattern when I have interaction with my son. Since he is only 5 years old, I am so annoyed by his lazy behaviors on washing face, brushing teeth before bed time at night. I know it is a way he wants to stay to play longer. When I have a hort conversation with some mums to discuss the situation. I found out I was a labeling him as a “Lazy boy” and he was like to accept the fact. So parents opoions and emotions can impact Kids’ self image, as well as kids can sense it very clearly and deem himself in that way if he feels your emotions is like of support or acceptance. When I found out the more I critisim him to speed up before bed time each night, it does not work. Just because my emotion show that it is ok he acts this way. So I try another appoach. Right now, I am study a coaching program on personal leader. The key concept is like this: Sucess – measured by Results – reflect from behavior patterns – from your attitude and thinking pattern – from constraints – your repeat behavior and habbits. In this regards, if we can rebuild our habbits and repeat behavior, we got a change to rebuild our thinking patterns, which will impact our behaviors. So it is more easy for me to feel change when my behavior make change first. When all my behavior and thinking pattern adjusted, it is a opportunity to change my emotions and make all the situation to rebuild. So right now, I have asked for my kids to finish homework first after he is back from kidergarden. I want to develop his repeat behaviors from now on, so maybe I have a change to lead his a way to develop a good study habbit and he will feel a lot of fun on study instead of boring based on that good study habbits. What do you think? Josh
Hi Josh, amazing how connecting with your heart completely changes us from demon to human. I was particularly struck by the last paragraph, as I have observed the transmission of a feeling state many times. You can feel it when a room goes ‘dead’ and you don’t know why, as nothing happened or was said. Also, how it can ‘light up’. Destructive as well as positive feelings seem to be passed along quite powerfully. Perhaps some scientific types can tell me how this happens. Did anyone see the article in New Scientist magazine called 3 Degrees of Separation, which described feelings and attitudes being passed along from someone who is not in direct contact with you. So, choose your friend’s friends carefully? There is so much to discover about all this. Thanks for your tales of losing your marbles and finding them again. it is very encouraging and I related with my Emma’s (11 yrs) resistance to my resistance of her. 🙂 Sandra.